update: im still alive
i know that i have been shit posting for a while, im so sorry T_T i really wanted to go back and posting a proper entry, and announce it when its out yada yada but that cycle is prETTY draining. it somehow made me feel like i posted stuffs for,,, validation? like i needed people to tell me what i put out is good. and that is definitely not a good colour on my already people pleasing behaviour.
so this is whats gonna happen my dudes. omg im gonna start calling my readers my dudes ah. ke cam sexist?? my girlbosses??
ok anyway, im just gonna post what i want. be it a super random life update (which probably isn't gonna happen lol) or a sad poem which can be categorised into two sections;
-existential crisis where i suddenly remembered that everyone and everything are just pretending that stuff is important padahal we are all just a bunch of atoms with emotions so why does it really matter if i ended up dying but at the same time we, the atoms and fleshes, crucially need to fight for the prejudiced system over races, gender, nepotism and education system. and the intricate politics that when we fight for the correct thing, we are to be seen as the villain?
OR
-my depressive episodes thats agonizing enough to break me until my parents started to sleep with their doors unlocked and had to keep checking in on me at 4 am and loses their sleep to their daughter bawling.
ANYWHOOO, i hope everyone's thats been reading my blog is doing amazing. and if you are not, go take a walk. i wouldn't promise you'd feel better but at least, you are not alone with your own thoughts. omg funny story hahaha, i went for a 5km run last week because i relapsed so i thought i wanted to feel better, i go running. after i finished running, i sat by the lake for 10 minutes to just, clear my mind and i paused the playlist i was listening to. pastu after 2 minutes i was like shit, the silences in my head are SCARY AS HECK. its scarier than the vile voices. so i called my mum to pick me up and when i got into a car, she immediately asked "u feel better?" pastu i bursted out nangis because fuck, i didn't. i really don't. i did not just spent my energy for a 5km to feel shittier.
ok you know what maybe this story isn't funny to my therapist tapi for me its funny sebab bayangkanla, kau gi lari sebab nak rasa better pastu balik makin depressed đŸ’€
as i was saying, hope everyone is doing good and well, yall are thriving and surviving so yall rock my dudes cey bapak cringe. ok byeeee
love,
suraya.